Bröllopsdag idag

Idag skulle vi firat vår 14:e bröllopsdag. För mig är inte bröllopsdagen en av de svåraste minnesdagarna; jag har hela tiden haft mycket svårare för dödsdagen, men såklart är det ju en dag som träder fram lite extra.
Annars tyckte jag att det var ganska känslosamt för ett par veckor sedan. Då tog nämligen stora J studenten och såna dagar har jag gruvat mig för ända sedan M dog. Alla bemärkelsedagar, alla födelsedagar, när barnen tar studenten, gifter sig, döper sina barn - alla de dagarna fattas han ju och kommer alltid att fattas. Men jag hade i alla fall med honom i talet jag höll till stora J, för att liksom inkludera honom i studentfirandet och få honom att vara närvarande.

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Ja, alla de där stora dagarna i barnens liv, då känns det extra tomt. Saknaden och förlusten är ju liksom dubbel då. Man sörjer både för barnens skull, att de inte får ha sin pappa med vid sina födelsedagar, skolavslutningar och liknande. Men också för min sambos skull, allt han aldrig får se och uppleva i deras liv. Det känns orättvist.

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